I am writing about my pregnancy experience not because I want sympathy. It’s because I want to help mom’s who feel like there is no hope. I was one of those mom’s and I would have loved to see someone talk about the hard parts of pregnancy. People don’t talk about the struggles of being pregnant. They only talk about how good it is.
Don’t get me wrong, pregnancy is a miracle and it is so amazing. But every woman’s experience isn’t the same. I remember seeing all these women having amazing pregnancies. It looked so magical and they were so radiant. When I first found out I was pregnant I couldn’t wait for the glow!
When I hit 6 weeks the morning sickness hit, and it hit hard. I was constantly sick. With the morning sickness anxiety, started to hit. Would I be a good enough mom? Would I be able to love this little human enough? Did I make the right choice? These thoughts flooded my mind and it was really hard honestly to get them out. I started having panic attacks more frequently. I hid them the best I could because I thought no one would understand.
I tried to look forward to things. Getting ultra sounds, finding out the gender, baby shower, and maternity pictures. Those were the only things I could think about that made me more excited. I had to focus on something other than the unknown.
My depression hit right around 3rd trimester. It was so bad. I was so uncomfortable and so sad all the time. I cried more than I thought was possible in the 3rd trimester. I felt like there was no hope. That she would never be here. I was getting excited to have her but I wasn’t patient enough to wait anymore. I remember feeling so claustrophobic at night that I would strip down and lay on our hard wood because it was cold and it helped me slow my breathing. I hated that feeling more than anything.
I slept almost everyday of my pregnancy. Yes, because I was tired, but also because I didn’t want to get out of bed and face another day pregnant. My parents really were my saving grace towards the end of my pregnancy. When CJ would go to work they would have me hang out and distract from all the things I was dealing with.
CJ was also my saving grace my whole pregnancy. The house was almost never clean and I would never cook dinner because I was in bed all day. The amount of days that would go by without me showering was a crime. I was so depressed and anxious the thought of leaving my bed gave me anxiety. He was so patient and caring with me. He would pick up the house when he got home and make sure I was taken care of and that I felt loved.
When you are going through something like this it’s so hard to see light. It’s also hard to talk to people about it because you feel so guilty for being pregnant and growing a whole human. Like why can’t I be grateful and happy? I remember seeing friends and just saying, “This is the best experience! I would do this again!” Even though inside I felt like dying.
When Magnolia was born everything flipped. I finally saw the light, and the light was her. Going through a rough pregnancy is not something anyone likes to talk about. But, it is something that happens. I am so extremely grateful I went through that experience because now I have the greatest blessing and that is my daughter.
Pushing through those hard times and that anxiety and depression is something that is hard but something we just do. Woman are so strong. Sometimes we don’t feel like it but we are. We go through so many hard things when creating a human and we just put on a brave face and do it. I feel like going through what I did really prepared me for becoming a mom. I don’t know if I will ever be brave enough to be pregnant again, but I sure do love being a mom.
If you are going through something similar or have gone through something similar, I am so sorry. But you got this! It’s okay to not be like everyone else, it’s okay to have those feelings because I have been there and the other side is worth it! Keep pushing and keep leaning on the people around you. Having a village is so important during those hard times. Finding those people that will shower you with love and support is the most important thing. You can do anything you set your mind to. On day you don’t feel like getting out of bed, keep pushing. Look for those things to make you smile.
I am proud of you for being here and pushing. I know it can be hard but you are strong enough to handle it!